Feb 26, 2010


It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe
I'm fallin in love.

Do you know that song?

Well, the pick up went well.
I was expecting a little more process and drama,
but everything went smoothly.
The puppies arrived safe and sound and their flight was on time.
I was a little worried that the weather up north was going
to cause some delays or cancelations.

So did you pick up on that??

-as in plural-
-as in more than one-

The man of the house is officially crazy.
He came home the other day with a big grin on his face.
He couldn't resist either of the two puppies we were choosing between,
so he got them both.
He told me on Tuesday.
I went to see my attorney on Wednesday.

Let me go ahead and apologize, there are a lot of pictures now
and I can only imagine that there will be a lot more to come.


"So which Doodle are we getting mom?"

Feb 25, 2010


We woke up to it snowing today.
It may snow all morning, but it is not expected to stick to the roads or cause too many problems. There is still school, but it is filled with many unhappy bitter kids , #3 included. I bet there is not a lot of learning going on. Here in the middle of NC, some winters we do not see one single flake of snow. Some winters we do.

We have had three snowfalls this winter and that is unusual.
The first snowfall happened when it was bitterly cold outside and it stuck and froze on the roads for several days. We ended up with about 8 inches.

We are not equipped to handle that here and it causes a lot of
(unnecessary) excitement.
It is funny to see everything come to a screeching halt and folks stock up like it is the Armageddon.

We were eating out when it started snowing (surprise-surprise) and on the way home we stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things.

We were too late, kind of out of luck.

#3 wasn't worried about our food situation.
She was so excited, she broke out into a little Snow Dance
in the middle of one of the isles.


Tomorrow is the BIG day!!
Tomorrow afternoon we will be adding to our family.
I've got to run a few errands today and load up on cute doggie stuff (and then hide it).
I cannot wait to see #3's face when she sees her.
She knows we are getting a dog, but she thinks it won't be for a few weeks.
#1 and #2 already know that it is tomorrow.
We bought her from a breeder in another state and she is being flown here.
It isn't too far away, and the whole process will only take about five hours.
I was so against it at first and really upset about the shipping of puppies, but we looked into driving to get her or even flying there and carrying her back as carry on, but it just wasn't going to work.
I will be so nervous tomorrow afternoon.

The flight she is taking is one especially for pet cargo and she is being "escorted", traveling in a heated area of the plane and hand carried to an office, so I am feeling better about the whole process.
I am losing sleep about the $$$ though.
The things we do for love!!! HA!

I hope to put some pictures up tomorrow night!
Can't wait.

Feb 23, 2010


God works in mysterious ways.

I am going to be a new mom again.

I am coming to terms with it.

I am scared and excited all at the same time.

I wonder if we have done the right thing.

We were enjoying our freedom, but felt like something was missing all at the same time.

I was up all night tossing and turning...

trying to think of names, trying to figure how we are going to juggle everything.

My husband was disappointed that it wasn't twins.

He is still considering it.

I have the pictures to show you.......

She's perfect,
from one end....

to the other!

I need some good name ideas.

So far I like Finley, Lola, Fergie and Brie.

It has to be a not so common, sophisticated (maybe preppy) name.

Thank goodness, my kids are out of the "Rainbow, Princess, Blossom, Crystal" name stage.

Our big day is Friday.

The kids do not know!!


I love surprises!

To answer the question:

She is a Golden-doodle.

She will be on the smaller side for her breed, around 35 pounds and
look something like this:



Feb 21, 2010


It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I've attempted several times and really didn't know where to begin and how to get started. I am not sure what to write about, what story to tell or what pictures to share. I am a little overwhelmed with it all.

I guess I will go ahead and tell the story..... the short version of what happened with my mom. I am so mad at myself. I kept planning on starting a private blog about her illness, so that I would always have it, but I never got around to it. Now it is too late for that. Lesson learned once again, the hard way.

Wednesday, January 27th, I went to meet my parents at Duke University Hospital for my mom's chemo treatment. She was in pretty good spirits. My aunt from Texas was with her and I think my mom was a little upbeat because of that. When I say she was in good spirits, I do not mean she was walking, full of energy and looking good. She looked awful. She was 100lbs, old looking and frail. We had to push her in a wheelchair at Duke. She wasn't able to walk steadily. She was always cold and had to bundle up. She was the sickest looking person in the entire chemo lab. That always bothered me. Go back and look at the picture taken in December and you will see what I mean.

During her treatment, she laid in a bed. Usually she would talk a little or watch a little TV. This time was different. She slept the entire time, a deep sleep and I sensed something was different with her.

Friday, two days later, she began to get very sick. She would not eat, would not wake up and needed help just to sit up. My dad and two aunts were up with her a lot during the night. This continued through the weekend. On Sunday morning she was taken by ambulance to the hospital in her town.

We live about one and a half hours away . We went to meet everyone at the ER, but had to navigate the snow and icy roads. We were told that she was in bad shape and that there was a great concern about her surviving. She was in pain and having trouble with her respiration. It was low. The pain medication that she needed would also slow her respiration even more and the doctor explained there was a great risk of her breathing stopping all together. We, my dad, brother and myself all unanimously agreed she needed to be out of pain no matter the risks. My dad had to sign a do not resuscitate paper.

She was eventually moved to a room. She stayed in that room for eight days. She had a bacterial infection and they treated it with antibiotics. Her white count had improved one day and then suddenly the next day showed signs the infection was getting worse. This was a bad sign.

She had a lot of trouble with the medication. Her respiration became really low and at times the nurses would not give her the pain meds because of it. We would have to demand and go get the nurses when it was time for her medication. Some of the nurses were wonderful and knew the best thing for my mom was to be out of pain, others were afraid of what would happen. My mom would then become very distressed when the medication started wearing off. She was aware of everything that was happening to her, was afraid and was in pain. She cried a lot and wouldn't let people leave her bedside. It was stressful and I wasn't able to be in her room much. At one time there were over seventeen people in the little hallway taking turns being in the room with her. Because of the infection we had to wear gowns, masks and gloves to go in.

Relatives came from all over. Aunts and uncles came from Texas. One drove straight through from west Texas. My cousin Lori (hi lori!!) flew from Tulsa. Another aunt and cousin drove two hours each way several days in a row to lend their support. It was almost like a circus, but a good circus.

Later in the week, after most everyone returned home, the doctor spoke to me about some test results. He started the conversation in front of my mom and I asked if we could talk in the hallway. He explained that my mom was septic, she had a toxin in her blood and it did not look good. He thought that we might want to consider moving her to a Hospice facility. My dad and I had gone to look at the facility earlier in the week. I do not know what I expected it to look like, but I found it to be a very difficult place to be in. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of my mom being moved there. I knew she would know where she was and it would upset her. The doctor also discussed the possibility of having my mom's treatment there in the hospital being switched to comfort care only. That means all antibiotics would be removed along with fluids and she would receive enough pain medication to allow her to rest 24/7. Think about what that means..... think about that decision. Although we knew the direction my mother was moving in was not a good one, it was a big reality check to agree to make that decision to remove all IV fluids. If someone would have told me that I was going to face all of these decisions in a very business like manner a few months ago, I never would have believed them.

After speaking to the doctor in the hallway, I went back into the room. My mom spoke to me for the very last time. She told me how sorry she was that this was happening to me and that she loved me.

Friday afternoon (Feb. 5th), my mom was placed under comfort care only. We put my mom's life in God's hand.

My girls visited their grandmother Friday evening by themselves. She was sedated, but I know she knew they were there. It was the last time she was with her "beautiful granddaughters" . Over the past week, everytime they would go into her room, she would say, "There are my beautiful granddaughters." She would also get upset. She told them she was so sad that she wasn't going to see them do things. I know she wanted so badly to see them graduate from college and go to their weddings. She loved doing and going to everything with them. I promised her that she would always be with them, no matter what, because she had made such a huge impact on their lives.

On Saturday, the man of the house and I went to the funeral home that my mom requested. (I have a really great husband!) I did everything I could do ahead of time. I hope this makes you smile.....during the week while she was in the hospital, out of nowhere, my mom opened her eyes and told my dad what funeral home she DIDN'T like. It kind of caught my dad off guard and he just said, "okay ". My mom then said, "Nobody ever looks good there" - and then she shut her eyes and went back to sleep. That was totally my mom! It makes me smile!

On Sunday, I sat in my mom's room with my cousin Lori, brother and sister in law and watched the Super Bowl. It was very surreal. When I left that night, that was the last time I would see my mom alive. She was totally at peace and FINALLY resting. My dad spent the last night at the hospital with her. After 53 years of marriage, it all came down to that one last night.

My mom was diagnosed with this cancer on November 4, 2009. After receiving two weeks of immediately needed radiation treatments to her brain, after weekly trips to Duke, spending three months in the bed, losing her hair, losing 45 pounds, losing her short term memory and so on, she passed three months and four days later. She is in a better place and as soon as she got there, she never looked backed. She is happy and I am happy about that. The cancer, it died.

The next week flew by. It is all a blur. My mom had told her pastor that she wanted her funeral to be a celebration and not to be sad. She wanted him to start the service with a joke.
We did it just as she wished.

I spent one day going through pictures to place around the tables at the funeral home.
I don't know which picture I love the most here....
her "glamour shot" when she was 30
her and the sassy italian waiter in Rome.

I also found these.
I love them!

We used them too.

We had a video/slideshow playing.
Can you tell who that is with her?

The flowers were gorgeous and
pink for her four granddaughters.

One of the men in my dad's Sunday School class gives all of the women in the
"Golden Girls" class chocolate kisses every Sunday.
It is a joke between them all.
He tells them they all need a "kiss" from him so that they can have a good day.

He gave my mom one last kiss.

He placed it on her at the visitation.

The day of her service was beautiful but cold and windy.

It worried us so much that all of those beautiful flowers were going to be frozen over night.
We pulled out enough to dry, press and then made several bouquets at home.

Thank you for ALL of the comments, well wishes, emails, cards and even the
chocolates Miss Linda!
I am very fortunate.
I cannot tell you how it makes me feel to open an email and read that someone
just said a prayer for me, is thinking about me or is just checking up on me.

I feel very blessed.

Feb 8, 2010


Barbara O'Briant
December 18, 1939 - February 8, 2010

Austria - 2007

Carefree, she stepped into the sunlight
her face uplifted to the sun;
while I,
aware of brewing storms
that etched
the sky,
clutched at a fear
and nursed it.

Then I
saw her hand
like a small child;
and while
I watched,
Another Hand
reached down and clasped it.

I heard the
distant thunder

(ruth bell graham)

I love you momma!

first cancer diagnosis

growing hair back after second diagnosis



Dear Friends,

I feel so bad about sharing all of this sadness with you. I never intended for this little blog to be the place where I did this. From the beginning, I wanted to start another blog (private) just about my mother, her sickness and my journey. I never got around to doing that and I am so full of regret. So many of you have expressed your support through commenting and emails, I just want you to know what is going on.

Well, as I type, I am in my mother's house spending the night all by myself. It is so surreal and a little eerie being here. I thought I would feel sad and overcome, but I am not. I feel close to my mom right now. My father and my brother are at the hospital with her. The day before yesterday the doctor met with ME to discuss some things. (I was the only one at the hospital.) This downward spiral began last weekend because of an infection somewhere in her abdomen. It was causing all kinds of problems and a lot pain. They gave her antibiotics for the infection. After four days of that and after a brief improvement in her white count, everything again quickly fell apart. She was in pain, distress and panicky. Her respiration wasn't cooperating with the pain medicine (something like morphine) and so they could not administer a heavy enough amount or it frequently enough to keep her in a restful state and pain free. That was very important to us, that she be comfortable, even with the risks. The doctor discussed moving her into a comfort care only phase, where she would receive a higher amount of medicine and something for the anxiety. He acknowledged that my mother's health had probably turned the corner and she was in the process of shutting down and all of the fluids and antibiotics were probably hurting her physically more than helping her. There was not space at the Hospice facility here and bringing her home wasn't an option. So she is still in the same hospital room she was in a week ago today.

So since Friday evening, this has been the path we have been on. Someone has been with her constantly. Although it is heartbreaking beyond belief, it is also so much more calming to be by her bedside and watching her resting continuously and constantly. She doesn't have much more time her on this earth, but I know that she will soon be in perfect health, happy and in heaven.

I spent Saturday going through pictures here at her house and running some necessary errands. I have had trouble staying in the hospital room. I am not overcome with emotion right now, just on automatic pilot. I never knew I was capable of having a panic attack or an anxiety attack until a few days ago. There were a few things that were not easy for me to witness. I am a mover, doer and planner..... not a sitter, so I think that contributed to some of the issues I was having. So I am doing what I was made to do. I visited the room today though and I am at peace.

My mother in law passed away three months ago today (November 8th). My husband and I have been on a roller coaster ride since September with sicknesses and deaths. But I know God is good and taking care of us. Please continue to remember us in your prayers.... especially my dad.

THANK YOU for sticking with me and just letting me dump this "bad stuff" on you. Thank you for the encouragement. I cannot wait to get back on track with some happier blogging and some "normal" time, but I think you guys understand that this is what I need to do right now.


ps I am looking forward to the day I look in the mirror and I see me again, not the worn out older girl with some of the biggest bags under her eyes that you have ever seen. Anyone have a suggestion that works? I guess some sleep would work wonders!


Feb 4, 2010


Not too much has changed.

My mom is still struggling. She is in need of heavy pain medication to get relief and to rest. It is absolutely heartbreaking to us all.

I don't really know what else to say at this point. I will keep you updated.

Feb 2, 2010


I do not have the time to post right now, but I know that you guys are out there.

My mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital on Sunday.
We have been at the hospital where she lives since.
We did come home tonight to recoup and will be going back in the morning.
There is a chance my sweet mama will not make it through the night.
I am praying for her to have peace.
I know that better things are ahead for her
and I celebrate that fact.

It is just a matter of time.

Please remember her in your prayers.
My poor dad does not know what to do.
Please pray for him.