I had a busy day today.
After Bible Study, I went to Duke University Hospital to meet my mom and her entourage. My dad of course was there, along with my brother and my aunt. My mom's sister, from Texas, has been here this past week staying with her. What a blessing it has been for her to be staying with my mom. I am really having a hard time balancing being at home and being at my parent's house. I have a lot of guilt when I am at home (my house) having a normal-busy day. Right now, my dad is handling everything and honestly , isn't interested in letting anybody do too much. My husband will be traveling out of town for the next few weeks so I am tied to home. I call my mom several times a day, but really am feeling the need for me to be there, but realistically I cannot.
My dad's 70th b'day
My mom is weak, frail and very tired. I cannot believe the change in her since October and her diagnosis. She was able to get her chemo treatment but her red blood count was very low so she needed blood also. The first thing they give her when she gets back into the chemo treatment area is a drip bag of Benadryl. That pretty much knocks her out. Five minutes after the drip started, she said she felt like she was in the "Twighlight Zone". I had to giggle, because she is a Southern Baptist lady and I know that "feeling" goes against the grain that she and the little ladies in her sunday school class would deem appropriate . She slept soundly during the rest of her treatment and blood transfusion and I was glad about that and did not pass judgement on her enjoying her Benadryl.
I was the only one with her during most of the treatment. While she was sleeping I just kept staring at her wanting to see my mom, the vibrant lady she was just a few months ago. The mom that couldn't wait to go to TJ Maxx as soon as she got to Raleigh , or the g'ma that drove carpool and went to go pick up #3 after school as a surprise. Now I only see a cancer patient. Someone whose every waking minute is focused on getting through not just the day, but the next hour. I know sadly, at some point she will get too tired of the fight and change her focus and look in a different direction. I have wondered if I would be ready when she was.
I was running a few minutes late for Bible Study today. We all meet in the main hall for a speaker, prayers and songs before splitting up into our little groups. Since I was running late, I went straight to my group's room to sit and wait for the rest of my group to join me. We are studying a Beth Moore series on Paul and are about 1/2 of the way through our study book. While I was waiting I flipped through my book, just kind of skimming. My pages feel open on the pages discussing Paul's death. I found myself wondering if I was sitting in this church, in this room all by myself reading these pages coincidentally . I know I was not. There on the page in front of me was the explanation of death not being the result of God failing to act to rescue us. It is to be looked at as God actually rescuing us from what we are going through. I read and reread over and over the part that discussed that death is a victory over our battles not a defeat. For when we die, the things we are battling, whether it be a disease or not, it dies too and no longer has any hold on us and we victoriously go on to better things and its battle is lost and it is left behind. I hold tight to these thoughts. I know there was a reason I was sitting by myself reading this at this moment. I needed to hear it.
I had to leave the hospital early because #3 was home alone doing her homework. I do not like her being home by herself when it starts getting dark. She has grown up having two older sisters staying home with her and now this year since they are both in college, this is the first time she has had to come home to an empty house and stay by herself for long periods of time.
We are still adjusting to that. As I was leaving the hospital I quietly said good-bye to my mom without waking her and then I just stood there and watched her for a few minutes. I had soooo much I wanted to say to her and sooo much I wanted her to say to me, but actually I would have settled for a hug, a big long one. But I just slowly made my way out of the room, thanking her nurse as I left.
Christmas day with her grandchildren
my three girls
and my niece (shorter hair)
Blogging is kind of a funny thing. I have tried so hard to not let what I am going through become a heavy part of my blog. I started this post out by wanting to tell you how busy my day was with the Bible Study and going to Duke. I then was going to post all of the pictures from #3's birthday. I think the birthday pictures will need to wait until tomorrow.
I just want to thank all of you for your prayers and emails. You DO
NOT know how much it means to me and how much strength and understanding I have gained from my "blends" (friends +blog=blends). I know we would all be BFF's if we lived in the same neighborhood! We still could! ;0