Well, I do not know where this post is going to go. I tried to write it last night, but got so hung up on looking at pictures and watching videos it didn't happen. I was not being overly sentimental or sad, just honestly enjoying looking back.
Yesterday was the second anniversary of my mom's death. She was on my mind all day and especially the day before. I could look at the clock both yesterday and the day before and tell you exactly what was going on two years ago, almost every minute of every hour. I watched the clock all day today, even though I tried to force myself not to. Two years ago today was the "planning day".
If you do not know already, my mom and I were very close. She was very involved with our family. She lived an hour and a half away (we moved away from our hometown) and she came and stayed with us two or three nights every other week. When she came, she was not a visitor. She rolled up her sleeves, drove carpool, played Wi, watched and voted for American I*ol with the girls, cheered on her little soccer players and cheerleaders and so on. After she retired that became what she did. My girls loved her being here.
|This is my mom at #2's graduation party. There were tons of kids there and she was in the middle of them.|
The guys in the back were playing "corn hole". Do you know what that is? If you are not a tailgater or southern.... probably not.
Fast forward and skip ahead, she was a victim of breast cancer. I do not want to go through the whole story, but she was diagnosed with breast cancer five years before she died. She was told it was just a little bump in the road and after dealing with it, she would be good to go. She dealt with it like a champ the THREE times it fought back. She scheduled and went to cheer competitions and soccer tournaments around her chemo treatments. Chemo gave her a three week routine. She knew exactly what weeks she would feel good enough to come visit and tell us when to come see her and what weeks she would not want any company.
The last time cancer returned, it had metastasized and was in her brain and several other places. It attacked with vengeance. We found out of it's return in October and she passed away in February. That story is not a good one. It is sad, desperate, pitiful and desperate. Why? Because we watched a beautiful lady that loved life literally leave us more and more each day.
|holding my mom's hand|
Let me just say, I am not sad, just very sentimental. I spent yesterday busy as usual, but very reflective no matter where I was. I wondered what year is the magical number that you stop watching the clock, writing posts and so on. Am I supposed to call my dad? Am I supposed to go to the cemetery even though it is out of town? Am I a bad daughter if I do not? I have found out the hard way that there are no rule books and that is probably the hardest part.
I cannot believe it has been two years. Time sure is flying. My mom was very sad about all of the things she was going to miss. She was very hurt about not seeing "her girls" grow up and do things, although she certainly made up for it by being so present while they were young. (I have three girls and my brother has one.)
I was thinking, if I had the chance to talk to her for a few minutes what would I tell her, what would I want her to know about the past two years? Of course I would want her to know how much I missed her and loved her, but after that I would tell her....
Brittany (#1) did get into nursing school and she and BF1 are still dating, we got two goldendoodles just a few weeks after she passed and named them Lola and Charlie and she would LOVE them, Brooke (#2) is carrying on her banana pudding tradition. She found my mom's recipe on her cell phone. It wasn't written anywhere else. Barrett (#3) is in high school, has her permit and is still sweet and quiet. She still has not made anything lower than an A in school (knock on wood - I am always afraid I will jinx her if I tell anyone). Her school soccer team won the championship last year and she was awarded the highest individual award as being the best all around on and off the field. (I know my mom would have been there for that!!) We bought a beach house!! Every trip there someone says, "I wish grand-ma was here". I would tell her that I still see her when I look up when I am busy shopping and I hear her everytime I cough and answer the phone. I am starting to sound like her. I would also tell her that I am starting to see her "jowls" when I look in the mirror and I am not too happy about that!
So since I am not sure if I will being doing this again next year I thought everyone should know some things about my mom:
She died two months after turning 70... much to young. Her potato salad will never be replaced. She was an awesome cook and made every holiday dinner different and special. She thought she was the girls second Santa Claus. She drove like a grand-ma even before she was one. She pursed her lips a lot and had wrinkles like a smoker because of it. She couldn't pronounce "oxygen" or "Italian". She always had her nails polished, liked to take a bath at night and shower in the morning and ate slower than a snail. She didn't drink at all, but when she found out that wine coolers (yuck!) actually had wine in them she just about died. She never bought them, but my aunt always had them at her house. She once sent my dad to another town to go to the liquor store to buy bourbon so she could make a cake that called for 1/2 cup of it. She was pretty much addicted to robes and housecoats. I brought them all home. We have them hanging in all of our closets here and at the beach. We love wearing them. She taught my girls that there was nothing better than cold cream for taking their make up off. And the list could go on............
After the funeral, one of the hardest things to do was to leave the cemetery. Just driving away was so hard. It was a cold, windy day and there were icy spots all around. I just didn't want to go. That is a feeling that I will never forget. It is a good thing we were in the limos because I would have probably over stayed my welcome. I watched and looked back until we made the turn out of the cemetery.
I also hated leaving all of those beautiful flowers out there. I know my mom would have hated that too. You would probably laugh (or think very bad of me) if I showed you what me and #2 did. We went back out there and picked through the flowers. It looked like we were some kind of grave yard thieves going back and forth to my big SUV with our arms full of those flowers. We loaded my car with them and went home and made flower arrangements, dried them and pressed some. I am still finding them inside of books and under things!
I miss my mom, but I know she is happy where she is and most importantly not sick. I do not think I would trade that for anything. Thanks for bearing with me!!