Feb 8, 2010


Dear Friends,

I feel so bad about sharing all of this sadness with you. I never intended for this little blog to be the place where I did this. From the beginning, I wanted to start another blog (private) just about my mother, her sickness and my journey. I never got around to doing that and I am so full of regret. So many of you have expressed your support through commenting and emails, I just want you to know what is going on.

Well, as I type, I am in my mother's house spending the night all by myself. It is so surreal and a little eerie being here. I thought I would feel sad and overcome, but I am not. I feel close to my mom right now. My father and my brother are at the hospital with her. The day before yesterday the doctor met with ME to discuss some things. (I was the only one at the hospital.) This downward spiral began last weekend because of an infection somewhere in her abdomen. It was causing all kinds of problems and a lot pain. They gave her antibiotics for the infection. After four days of that and after a brief improvement in her white count, everything again quickly fell apart. She was in pain, distress and panicky. Her respiration wasn't cooperating with the pain medicine (something like morphine) and so they could not administer a heavy enough amount or it frequently enough to keep her in a restful state and pain free. That was very important to us, that she be comfortable, even with the risks. The doctor discussed moving her into a comfort care only phase, where she would receive a higher amount of medicine and something for the anxiety. He acknowledged that my mother's health had probably turned the corner and she was in the process of shutting down and all of the fluids and antibiotics were probably hurting her physically more than helping her. There was not space at the Hospice facility here and bringing her home wasn't an option. So she is still in the same hospital room she was in a week ago today.

So since Friday evening, this has been the path we have been on. Someone has been with her constantly. Although it is heartbreaking beyond belief, it is also so much more calming to be by her bedside and watching her resting continuously and constantly. She doesn't have much more time her on this earth, but I know that she will soon be in perfect health, happy and in heaven.

I spent Saturday going through pictures here at her house and running some necessary errands. I have had trouble staying in the hospital room. I am not overcome with emotion right now, just on automatic pilot. I never knew I was capable of having a panic attack or an anxiety attack until a few days ago. There were a few things that were not easy for me to witness. I am a mover, doer and planner..... not a sitter, so I think that contributed to some of the issues I was having. So I am doing what I was made to do. I visited the room today though and I am at peace.

My mother in law passed away three months ago today (November 8th). My husband and I have been on a roller coaster ride since September with sicknesses and deaths. But I know God is good and taking care of us. Please continue to remember us in your prayers.... especially my dad.

THANK YOU for sticking with me and just letting me dump this "bad stuff" on you. Thank you for the encouragement. I cannot wait to get back on track with some happier blogging and some "normal" time, but I think you guys understand that this is what I need to do right now.


ps I am looking forward to the day I look in the mirror and I see me again, not the worn out older girl with some of the biggest bags under her eyes that you have ever seen. Anyone have a suggestion that works? I guess some sleep would work wonders!



The Muse said...

Dear Lisa...I hope you know that myself and many others continue to hold you and your family much in prayer....

And I don't consider it "dumping", my friend :)

Pink Martini said...

Your blog is your personal space to write whatever you wish. Life isn't always happy and I feel sharing those journies with others is a gift we give to one another. Your readers are here because we want to be. I know exactly what you are going through. There is no time limit on grieving on what we are in the process of losing. Be kind to yourself and don't give yourself expectations. Just let life flow and you will continue to feel the peace you are experiencing and this will help you through the really tough times.
My prayers are with you and your family. xoxo

Darla DiStefano said...

Bless your heart...I can only imagine what you are going through. I am praying for peace and comfort for you, your family and most especially your dad.

Preppy 101 said...

Hey honey -
Do not apologize for what you say on your blog. I am glad you have us, and just know we are here to listen and read and sympathize and love and comfort you as much as we can. I have lost loved ones and it is hard. I will tell you we are with you through the journey. Know that. I hope you can feel God's arms holding you through this. I am praying for you. I know it is so hard. Hugs to you. xoox

Frau said...

Lisa hang in there...I'm praying for you all and I hope for a miracle. God bless and ((hugs))

linda said...

Lisa, I am so sorry for what you are going through, and for what you all have been going through for months now. I'm so glad though that you have this blog to write out and share your feelings with others. I hope that is a comfort in itself.

Your family, and especially your dad, has been on my mind and in my prayers constantly. Thank you so much for keeping us updated. I just wish I lived close by so I could lend my support in person somehow.

You are a wonderful daughter Lisa and I'm sure a hugh blessing to your parents! Keep the faith and I hope you get some much needed rest soon. Take care friend!

MCW said...

I am so sad and thinking of you every day.
I am glad your mother has her family around her at this time. xo

Joyce said...

I think a blog is life in all its beauty and sadness so don't feel badly about what you write here. I'm glad you update us and we can pray.

I'm so sorry for all your pain and I am praying you and your mother and dad and all of your family can feel God's peace today. Thinking of you and sending a hug your way.

Carrie B said...

I think your blog would not be really you if you didn't share WHATEVER you are going through.

Please know that prayers are said for you daily.

Hang in there.

Tales From My Empty Nest said...

Our blogs are about our lives, be it good or bad, so don't apologize for writing about your Mom. We are all so concerned about your sweet Mom (and all your family) and appreciate the updates. I have had all of you in my thoughts and prayers daily. Hang in there, Lisa. Just do what you feel comfortable doing. Not everyone's place is sitting in the hospital. Your place may be running errands, doing phone calls, emails, etc. Know that your blog friends are right here with you at any time. Things will get back to "normal" at some point. Love & blessings from NC!

Betsy said...

I am so glad to be sharing this journey with you Lisa. That is what true friends are for (even just blogging friends!)

My love and prayers are with you constantly. My God hold you a little tighter during these next few days.