I feel so bad about sharing all of this sadness with you. I never intended for this little blog to be the place where I did this. From the beginning, I wanted to start another blog (private) just about my mother, her sickness and my journey. I never got around to doing that and I am so full of regret. So many of you have expressed your support through commenting and emails, I just want you to know what is going on.
Well, as I type, I am in my mother's house spending the night all by myself. It is so surreal and a little eerie being here. I thought I would feel sad and overcome, but I am not. I feel close to my mom right now. My father and my brother are at the hospital with her. The day before yesterday the doctor met with ME to discuss some things. (I was the only one at the hospital.) This downward spiral began last weekend because of an infection somewhere in her abdomen. It was causing all kinds of problems and a lot pain. They gave her antibiotics for the infection. After four days of that and after a brief improvement in her white count, everything again quickly fell apart. She was in pain, distress and panicky. Her respiration wasn't cooperating with the pain medicine (something like morphine) and so they could not administer a heavy enough amount or it frequently enough to keep her in a restful state and pain free. That was very important to us, that she be comfortable, even with the risks. The doctor discussed moving her into a comfort care only phase, where she would receive a higher amount of medicine and something for the anxiety. He acknowledged that my mother's health had probably turned the corner and she was in the process of shutting down and all of the fluids and antibiotics were probably hurting her physically more than helping her. There was not space at the Hospice facility here and bringing her home wasn't an option. So she is still in the same hospital room she was in a week ago today.
So since Friday evening, this has been the path we have been on. Someone has been with her constantly. Although it is heartbreaking beyond belief, it is also so much more calming to be by her bedside and watching her resting continuously and constantly. She doesn't have much more time her on this earth, but I know that she will soon be in perfect health, happy and in heaven.
I spent Saturday going through pictures here at her house and running some necessary errands. I have had trouble staying in the hospital room. I am not overcome with emotion right now, just on automatic pilot. I never knew I was capable of having a panic attack or an anxiety attack until a few days ago. There were a few things that were not easy for me to witness. I am a mover, doer and planner..... not a sitter, so I think that contributed to some of the issues I was having. So I am doing what I was made to do. I visited the room today though and I am at peace.
My mother in law passed away three months ago today (November 8th). My husband and I have been on a roller coaster ride since September with sicknesses and deaths. But I know God is good and taking care of us. Please continue to remember us in your prayers.... especially my dad.
THANK YOU for sticking with me and just letting me dump this "bad stuff" on you. Thank you for the encouragement. I cannot wait to get back on track with some happier blogging and some "normal" time, but I think you guys understand that this is what I need to do right now.
ps I am looking forward to the day I look in the mirror and I see me again, not the worn out older girl with some of the biggest bags under her eyes that you have ever seen. Anyone have a suggestion that works? I guess some sleep would work wonders!